My hobby is snail racing.  To make my best snail go faster I took off it's shell.

Unfortunately, it's now sluggish! ? 

Did you hear about the blind hooker ?, you had to hand it to her   ?  ?  ? 

One from my grandson, what did the horse say to the one legged jockey ?

Howya getting on

? ?  ? 

Some guy called me a tool, go I got hammered and nailed his girlfriend   ?  ?  ? 

My mate always wanted to be run over by a steam train.  When it happened he was chuffed to bits.

I knew my parents hated me my bath toys we're a toaster and a radio

What is the difference between a Scottish sheep farmer and a Rolling Stones song? One says, ‘Hey you, get off of my cloud!”, and the other says, ‘Hey McCloud, get off of my ewe!.’

Why did my wife cross the road

To get in the same bloody shoe shop we went into three hours ago 

What does a dyslexic Yorkshireman where on his head?

A cat flap! ? 

I'm in a same sex marriage Sex is always the same 

jumped in the back of a taxi earlier on, i fancied talking to the taxi driver so i tapped him on the shoulder. The driver absolutely sh*t himself, swerved over the road, nearly hit a bus, mounted the pavement and slammed his brakes on inches away from a shop window. I said"Jesus, ,your a bit jumpy aint you, nearly killed us, I only tapped you on the shoulder"! The driver turned round and says "Im so sorry mate , its only me first day, ive been driving a hearse for the past 20 years" 

The first time I met my wife i knew she was a keeper  She was wearing massive gloves 

Paddy Englishman, Paddy Irishman and Paddy Scotsman walk into a bar. The bartender turns around to them and says "What is this, some kind of joke