I was standing in a queue behind a very fat woman with a huge arse, when her phone starts to beep. A little boy behind her says ‘Watch out !, she’s going to start reversing’ ? ? ?
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My hobby is snail racing. To make my best snail go faster I took off it's shell.
Unfortunately, it's now sluggish! ?
Did you hear about the blind hooker ?, you had to hand it to her ? ? ?
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One from my grandson, what did the horse say to the one legged jockey ?
Howya getting on
? ? ?
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Some guy called me a tool, go I got hammered and nailed his girlfriend ? ? ?
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My mate always wanted to be run over by a steam train. When it happened he was chuffed to bits.
I knew my parents hated me my bath toys we're a toaster and a radio
What is the difference between a Scottish sheep farmer and a Rolling Stones song? One says, ‘Hey you, get off of my cloud!”, and the other says, ‘Hey McCloud, get off of my ewe!.’
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Why did my wife cross the road
To get in the same bloody shoe shop we went into three hours ago
What does a dyslexic Yorkshireman where on his head?
A cat flap! ?
jumped in the back of a taxi earlier on, i fancied talking to the taxi driver so i tapped him on the shoulder. The driver absolutely sh*t himself, swerved over the road, nearly hit a bus, mounted the pavement and slammed his brakes on inches away from a shop window. I said"Jesus, ,your a bit jumpy aint you, nearly killed us, I only tapped you on the shoulder"! The driver turned round and says "Im so sorry mate , its only me first day, ive been driving a hearse for the past 20 years"
The first time I met my wife i knew she was a keeper She was wearing massive gloves
Paddy Englishman, Paddy Irishman and Paddy Scotsman walk into a bar. The bartender turns around to them and says "What is this, some kind of joke
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What would you like?" said the prison guard to the Englishman just before lashing him. The English man, being a bit of a cricket fan, asked for linseed oil. They lashed him on a post and he groaned with pain. Next came the German. "Under Saudi law you are sentenced to 30 lashes then deported. Before you begin you are entitled to something on you back, what would you like?" said the prison guard "Nothing" said the German and, after receiving his lashes spat on the ground, called the prison guards Schisers and winced in agony.
The guards then came to Paddy the Irishman. "Under Saudi law you are sentenced to 30 lashes then deported. Before you begin you are entitled to something on you back, what would you like?" "Oh", replied Paddy, "I'll have the Englishman.".
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