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Can the Man
(@can-the-man)
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Joined: 6 years ago
Posts: 7073
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I was standing in a queue behind a very fat woman with a huge arse, when her phone starts to beep. A little boy behind her says ‘Watch out !, she’s going to start reversing’  ?  ?  ? 

C t M


   
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Stephen Underwood
(@caletafuerteventura)
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My hobby is snail racing.  To make my best snail go faster I took off it's shell.

Unfortunately, it's now sluggish! ? 


   
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Can the Man
(@can-the-man)
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Did you hear about the blind hooker ?, you had to hand it to her   ?  ?  ? 

C t M


   
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Can the Man
(@can-the-man)
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One from my grandson, what did the horse say to the one legged jockey ?

Howya getting on

? ?  ? 

C t M


   
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Can the Man
(@can-the-man)
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Some guy called me a tool, go I got hammered and nailed his girlfriend   ?  ?  ? 

C t M


   
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Stephen Underwood
(@caletafuerteventura)
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My mate always wanted to be run over by a steam train.  When it happened he was chuffed to bits.


   
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(@derbyboy)
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I knew my parents hated me my bath toys we're a toaster and a radio


   
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Can the Man
(@can-the-man)
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What is the difference between a Scottish sheep farmer and a Rolling Stones song? One says, ‘Hey you, get off of my cloud!”, and the other says, ‘Hey McCloud, get off of my ewe!.’

C t M


   
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(@derbyboy)
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Why did my wife cross the road

To get in the same bloody shoe shop we went into three hours ago 


   
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Stephen Underwood
(@caletafuerteventura)
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What does a dyslexic Yorkshireman where on his head?

 

A cat flap! ? 


   
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(@derbyboy)
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I'm in a same sex marriage Sex is always the same 


   
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Nottingham Red
(@nottingham-red)
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jumped in the back of a taxi earlier on, i fancied talking to the taxi driver so i tapped him on the shoulder. The driver absolutely sh*t himself, swerved over the road, nearly hit a bus, mounted the pavement and slammed his brakes on inches away from a shop window. I said"Jesus, ,your a bit jumpy aint you, nearly killed us, I only tapped you on the shoulder"! The driver turned round and says "Im so sorry mate , its only me first day, ive been driving a hearse for the past 20 years" 

Coyr


   
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(@derbyboy)
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The first time I met my wife i knew she was a keeper  She was wearing massive gloves 


   
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Can the Man
(@can-the-man)
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Paddy Englishman, Paddy Irishman and Paddy Scotsman walk into a bar. The bartender turns around to them and says "What is this, some kind of joke

C t M


   
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Can the Man
(@can-the-man)
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Paddy the Irishman, Paddy the Englishman and Paddy the German are caught in Saudi Arabia drinking. "Under Saudi law you are sentenced to 30 lashes then deported. Before you begin you are entitled to have something on your back.
What would you like?" said the prison guard to the Englishman just before lashing him. The English man, being a bit of a cricket fan, asked for linseed oil. They lashed him on a post and he groaned with pain. Next came the German. "Under Saudi law you are sentenced to 30 lashes then deported. Before you begin you are entitled to something on you back, what would you like?" said the prison guard "Nothing" said the German and, after receiving his lashes spat on the ground, called the prison guards Schisers and winced in agony.
The guards then came to Paddy the Irishman. "Under Saudi law you are sentenced to 30 lashes then deported. Before you begin you are entitled to something on you back, what would you like?" "Oh", replied Paddy, "I'll have the Englishman.".

C t M


   
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